August Diary

from the first week of august to this day august 15

Remember Wijay? The guy whom I've been talking about in this blog for the last 2 months? We've been exchanging certain text messages that I can't possibly post since he said that he trusts me. Moreover, I've already deleted everything he shared. Why? Simple question, but I can't answer it right away. It's like asking you, how fast do you fall in love with a person or anyone?

I can't say that I know him well. I don't, and I admit that. Most of his words confuse me most of the time. I don't want to over analyze for I just might get the wrong impression. So, I remained silent and kept on waiting for an obvious sign.

August 6, a very memorable day... for it was my sister's birthday. And Mariel and I have played a game... We do this quite often especially when we're in front of the stairs...

"anong kulay tol?" tanong niya. I thought of saying green, for it was my favorite color, but it was already common... or perhaps yellow, but no. ORANGE ang sinabi ko. Dakilang Orange! "wala nang bawian ha? Kung sino mang lalake ang unang bumaba diyan na naka orange, siya na. Kunin mo na number, pangalan, address, resume!" natatawa ako, but I seriously waited for nothing. Yung kulay na iyon ang pinili ko dahil alam ko na walang matinong lalake ang magsusuot ng ganoong kulay ng damit.

Nagring ang bell, pumasok na kami for theo. Malapit nang matapos ang subject when I suddenly felt like I was loosing my air. I went out and tried to compose myself. Just then, I saw him descending the stairs... Guess what? He's wearing orange, with black. It would bring love. The curse had taken effect, and I seriously fell in love with him that day.

Later that night, we exchanged text messages. I tried to dig deeper within his bounds, his love life and everything but I got nothing. Except maybe for the message wherein he practically told me, Sino daw kayang lalake ang magkakagusto sa isang tulad ko? Aray. Masakit yun. Eto ang mas masakit... sino kayang lalake ang magtyatyaga sa ugaling meron ako? I grew up with guys that's why I'm like this. Pero never kong tinanong sa sarili ko kung paano nga kaya... Naku, kung mahal ka talaga ng lalake, kahit ano tatanggapin niya. Siguro? Pero nainis ako ng sobra sobra, kasi wala pa naman talagang nagmamahal sa akin kaya hindi ko alam yan. And that night, before I fell asleep, dinelete ko lahat ng nasa inbox ko pati na rin ang number niya.

The next day is a Sunday, galit ako sa kanya hanggang sa end ng araw na iyon, gabi na nang namiss ko siya. At hindi ko pa kayang matulog sa lagay na iyon, 11:00 pm. nirereplay ko pa lahat ng sinabi sa akin ni Mariel. "Are you unconsciously in love with him? i mean, hindi mo ba alam na inlove ka sa kanya?" He's talking about JC not Wijay. And in that moment, I convinced myself that I am in love with Jiann Carlo and not with the other guy. I played truth or dare, he was my accomplice. He started asking personal questions that I became suddenly afraid of replying. But I repeatedly asked myself... sino ba talaga? siya o siya? nasaktan ko sarili ko by asking that question. Ang sakit ng kamay ko kinaumagahan. But I got the answer anyway. Si Wijay yun.

8 yata nung nag-inuman sila ng barkada niya, and I don't know the reason why i got so depressed. Maybe because I want to go to sleep at sinabi niya na "WAG MUNA". At hindi naman daw ako natulog na pwedeng naging dahilan kung bakit kinaumagahan August 9, bago kami nanood ng sine nina Mariel at Nessa, nagpagupit ako... sobrang ikli. Pero dahil lang sa kanya kaya ko ginawa yun. Katangahan. Nasa loob kami ng sinehan, tumatawa, at katext ko siya... His personal questions bothered me again. Ano ba? Bakit ba kung anu ano na lang ang tinatanong niya? Hindi ako sanay, so in the middle of the exchanges I asked him to delete my number, and again I pressed Delete All.

Nasa jeep na kami ni Mariel when she suddenly came up with another dare. Pustahan daw kami, bago lumipas ang dalawang araw, itetext niya ako. Bakit naman niya gagawin yun when he already deleted my contact. Pero ipinilit pa rin nila na hindi daw niya dinelete. I agreed, also with the consequence na kapag natalo ako, magtatapat na ako sa kanya.

Thursday, August 11. My speech in English 4. I tried to be girlish enough but i just can't portray a girly look. Hay naku! Pake niyo ba kasi sa katawan ko e katawan ko nga ito. I won! nagrejoice pa ako... But he intruded the victory, pinanalo lang daw niya ako. Aray na naman! At totoo nga ang sinabi nila na hindi niya dinelete number ko. Tinamad daw. So, I acknowledged his presence in my life again.

But this Saturday August 13... I found out a detail in the picture that made my life crumble to the ground. ALAM daw niya LAHAT! Pahiya na naman ako ng sobra sobra.

Sunday... Yesterday... sige aminan na kung aminan...
Galit dapat ako sa kanya, at sinabi ko iyon. pero ang sabi niya, wag daw. at wag din daw akong magalit sa mga kaibigan ko kasi hindi naman daw nila alam na alam niya lahat. And then he asked kung siya nga ba talaga si Wijay... Siya naman talaga, hindi na pwedeng ideny. sa end ng conversation ko sinabi na siya nga yun... Kasi naman, pinadelete ko na number ko sa kanya dati para sana di na ako mapalapit pa, pero hindi niya ginawa. And his reply was a stupid "cge. Simula bukas d nako mgpaparamdam." I don't know why I cried. I just did. but the thought that he would be gone for the rest of my life had hurt me.

I wanted to say "be safe." but I took the simple "ge,nyt.2log na ako" as something like, he doesn't want me in his life. And I respected that. But I cried still... Ala una na yata nang tumigil ako sa pag-iyak. He had a girlfriend, I kept on repeating that phrase in my head. May girlfriend siya kaya tama na.

The "BE SAFE" quote was still on my phone. Sabi kasi doon:

'your safety is equivalent to someone's peace of mind...

so take care of yourself always...

maawa ka kay...

SOMEONE ELSE.'

I told my mother everything so as to ease the pain. And she told me...

"JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE STOPPED TALKING TO EACH OTHER DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE NOT ON HIS MIND"

joke ba ito? SANA.
But I was secretly hoping that this is true.
That somehow he's thinking of the reasons why...
And I will always hold onto this...

Until someone new, comes my way...

ever after

A typical love story normally starts with ‘once upon a time’, but mine started with ‘and they live happily ever after’. I have my parents’ love story to consider. My father and mother had been inseparable for 21 years since they met and recognized what they felt for each other. ‘They must have loved each other to last that long.’ Those were the thoughts that we frequently hear among the people who could see the sweetness of the two. But beyond my father’s smiling face and my mother’s serene expressions is a secret that only their children know.

I can still remember the intensity of that night. While my sisters and I were happily comforted in our newly built home in the center of the fields, my father came storming inside the house and commanded us three to head towards our ancestral house just in front of the present residence. We noted the authority in his voice that we did not dare disobey him. My two sisters Apple and Ash sought the comfort of my hands. And I held unto them just the same. Amidst the commotion, I heard my mother crying inside her room. We desperately waited for her to come out and save us from the terror of our father’s belt, that is impatiently waiting to hit someone, but she never did. My youngest sister started crying and asking for her mama. I can understand the situation for she was only 5 at that time. At the old creepy house, the strong slamming of the door made my blood curdle. He locked us up in our old room and left us there trembling in both anger and fear. The middle child, Apple, tried to restrain herself by beating the wall. She literally cursed our father to death saying di ka pay la maungkel. I on the other hand remained silent and just tried to compose my insides though I really wanted to cry that instant. But I have to show strength otherwise we would all suffer. Memories of my happy childhood came back instantly while surveying the dark spacious room. Stacks of old books were neatly placed in the shelves. Photo albums piled on top of it, forgotten. I remembered my mother’s simple request to have a family picture that we could possibly hang in the wall. But we never had a minute to do it. Our wall was particularly dull. The only marks were the lines that my father used to draw to measure our heights. It would never matter now, for we had stopped growing, and we have a new house to care about.

Fear came swaying again when we heard the door open and close. Apple shut her mouth instantly and Ash tried to suppress her cries. My father opened our door and gave us a candle for the night. He commanded us to go to sleep, forget our mom and never see her again. He told us that he would be sending our mom in her hometown at Alicia, Isabela. And he locked the door once more. I comforted my youngest sister when she wailed in disagreement. I became worried, not for the three of us but for our dearest mother. My mom had never been strong with regards to her emotions. She cries easily. Her children are her prized possessions, whom she treats like fragile figurines that should always be handled with care. I knew she’s devastated. My father’s anger maybe be put out after a short time, but the pain will linger in our hearts and the memory of the night would haunt us all throughout.

There was only one serious question in this situation, what kind of hell had fallen unto this happy family that we have to suffer and hurt as much as this? I don’t want to blame anyone. It’s actually easier to put the blame on yourself, coz you can just shrug it off since there’s nothing you can do about it, and you won’t get angry that way either. If you blame someone, you’ll just get stubborn and say you’ll never forgive them, but I know that she was the sole reason for this commotion. I’m talking about ate Ace, a friend of my cousin’s. My mother had confided to me before of her suspicions that she was probably my father’s mistress. I never believed her. Why would I? For what reason should I suspect her? She had been nothing but nice to us. Moreover she was practically just a kid too! In fact she’s only 4 years older than me! But as I have observed, my father couldn’t look at my mother’s eyes anymore. It’s probably true then. I had been oblivious to the fact that there really is a possibility especially when age doesn’t matter and the guy is a charming one. We might just lose a father or a mother. The emotions welled up in my heart; I don’t want my parents to separate just because of a woman who would never love my father like the way my mother did.

At dawn, I awoke as the roosters started singing their waking song. The candle had stopped crying and its flame had already died out. I heard hushed voices at the living room so I stepped out of the bedroom to listen to it. It was my mother and father. I was so proud of mama. She had mastered the courage to face the wrath of my father for us. This is the side that touched me most. Mama was already crying and kept on repeating the words para sa mga bata whenever she gave a proposition that they should stay together. My father had maintained the stern look in his face though, and it seems that he had never listened to any of my mother’s words. My heart sank as I heard my father’s disagreement. He wanted to unbind himself from my mother, dishonor their vows and leave my mother to suffer alone. Mama refused to abide. She held on to him, like the way he did when their relationship was still young. He might still change his mind and see some sense. Then he saw me, and motioned for me to come over. He asked the question that I have dreaded to hear. He’s making me choose between him and my mother. All the emotions that I was keeping inside went out on the spot. I started crying. It was a stupid thing to do, but I just can’t hold back the tears that welled up. It was my only way of saying that I will never chose, that I wanted them both. For the first time, I’ve been out of words. All I did was shake my head in disagreement. My father had shouted and his voice rang out inside the house. It was really dreadful. My mother embraced me and pleaded for my father to stop and told him a lot of words that touched his conscience and made him surrender. He calmed down, went to the kitchen and boiled water for our coffee.

Months passed and everything seemed normal again. My two sisters hadn’t suspected a thing. For them, it’s all over, our parents are back together. Apple even joked around saying ‘I can’t wait to fall in love’. And there were always those comments that I had such a wonderful family. We have parents which seem to be so in love with each other. Those were plain opinions; they don’t know the real deal. In reality, my parents decided that they will only stay together for the sake of their children. They kept their own money and no longer care about what the other does. They seem so natural because of the fact that they are only friends now. No other emotions attached. They joke around and would be as sweet as they could get but they would never be romantic with each other. My father had retained his usual bubbly personality and kept the usual tradition of playing pranks or telling stories on a Friday night. But never did he boast again of his hardships in courting my mom. And I knew that we will never have a good family portrait. My mom is still requesting for it though. But we just can’t, and that’s a real sad thought.

The events had greatly affected my perceptions with regards to men. Basically, my father was the cause of trauma. Before, I still have that notion that I should marry a man who is much like my father or perhaps any man would do as long as he loves me. But that just won’t do now. I am definitely happy with what I have, but when I heard someone say that my mother is worried that I am always happy, I started to doubt if I could really be. I had a talk with her, and in that moment, she cried just when I thought that she will never cry again. I thought that she was ok with the agreement, but she wasn’t. I was wrong. I cried too when she told me; ang dasal ko lang ay makahanap ka ng lalakeng magmamahal sa’yo, na hindi ka iiwan at paiiyakin kahit kailan. Ayokong maranasan ninyo iyong naranasan ko. She even admitted that she would have left my father long before if not for her children. She never wanted to leave us. She told me that my happiness is hers too. If I cry, she would cry for me too. And I don’t want to see my mother cry again because of such stupid guys.

Then, I started to over analyze the simplest things that are in front of me. Thus making everything so complicated not only for me, but also for the people around me. They say that doing these things will probably be the reason for me to hurt myself in the future. They even suggested that I should let myself experience love first before judging anything. Since then, I’ve been drawn towards family oriented guys who were Roman Catholics in nature, and were pure blooded Filipinos. Who is about my age, has a good humor, and is superior himself. If such guy exists, I hope he’s meant for me. I’m afraid of commitment but I surely don’t want to be a spinster for the rest of my life! That would be a lot harder. If I’m really not lucky, I’d just be contented with someone who is willing to spend the rest of his life with me. I won’t even care if he would sleep with another girl, so long as he would protect and take good care of the family. Coz I know that nothing lasts forever. Forever is just a myth! And it would really hurt me to say the single ending catch line… and they live happily ever after.