November 5, 2011

Ang gulo din kaya ng utak ko, anong akala mo? Nakatulog akong suot ang eyeglasses kong walang kwenta noong nakaraan., Noong nakaraang gabi naman, alas tres na ako natulog. Anong meron? May ginawa na naman ba akong masama? Wala naman. Tingin ko.

Pero sa two hours na tulog ko, naalala ko si Paul. Siya iyong tipo ng taong gugustuhin mong laging makasama dahil sobrang bait niya. Kaya nga noong on the rocks ang relationship nila ng girlfriend niya, ako talaga ay nananalangin na sana he could see some sense. Tingin ko kasi he does not deserve to be treated like crap. He deserve someone better. hay naku, kung sinabi lang niyang gusto niyang maghiganti, tutulungan ko talaga siya. Not that I feel something for him, but he's my friend kasi eh. kaibigan ang pinakamahalaga sa akin. Ano mang masakit na salita ang sabihin nila sa kanya, masakit din para sa akin.

Sabi ko may boyfriend na ako. But I really dont have any. Ayoko rin pati. Ano ba ang silbi ng boyfriend sa mundo? Kaya ko namang alagaan ang sarili ko. So there's really no point why I should have one.  Pero talaga namang wagas ang reaksiyon ng mga pinagsabihan ko. Walang naniwala ni isa! Akalain mo iyon?

Usapan namin ni Paul:
Paul: Tsk. Akala ko tuloy meron na talaga."
Ako: deh. may hinihintay kasi ako.
Paul: Hahaha. Uuuuy. Si Billy yan no? Amin naaa.
Ako: Sows! may mahihintay ba ako doon?
Paul: Ewan. Pero siya nga?
Ako: Deh. Ikaw.
Paul: Haha. Ulul. Ako daw e no.
Ako: Ikaw naman talaga.
Paul: Weh. Ulul. Hahaha.
Ako: deh. tinatry ko lang kung mapapatawa kita.

Hay! kaya ayaw na ayaw kong nagsasabi ng totoo eh. Walang naniniwala sa akin! Pero mahal kita. :] Naks! Hindi siya naniwala. Alam ko naman eh. Mas naloloka ako sa mga tanong nila.
May gusto ka ba kay Paul? Papayag ka daw bang maging girlfriend ni Gian? Nakamove on ka na ba? Anong say mo sa relasyong crush mo at ex ng ex crush mo? Mahal mo pa rin ba si kwan, ano siya ngayon? heeee... ewan ko, Ang sakit ng ulo ko!

pero wala akong gusto kay Paul, hindi ko sisirain ang pagkakiabigan namin ano! Ayoko kay Gian, he's 11 days younger than I am! ayaw ko talaga sa mas bata sa akin. And besides, sinungaling ang taong iyon. Tingin ko! Hindi pa ako nakakamove on. Kung ano mang move on ang tinutukoy nila. At wala akong pake sa relasyon ng iba, hindi naman ako yumayaman doon eh. at isa pa, hindi ko naman kilala iyong dalawang iyon eh. At oo, mahal pa rin kita. Haha. Tawa na lang.

Hindi ko alam kung anong magbabago sa buhay ko mula ngayon. basta ang alam ko, mahirap talagang makalimot kahit pilitin mo. mahirap makipagkompetensya lalo pa't tanga ka. Anyway, sabi nga ng master: huwag kang makikipaglaban hanggat hindi ka kampanteng mananalo ka. At iyon lang ang ginagawa ko.

Ang gwapo pala ng katabi ko sa accounting. Baka mainlove ako sa kanya. haaayyy.

I miss you.

August 26

Wala, ansakit ng ulo ko. Monday kasi eh. At hindi natuloy part 1 namin. Nagkwentuhan lang kami sa P.E. dahil sa walang kwentang earthquake drill na iyan.

Ito ang malala, ang event na nakapagpadepress sa akin ng sobra sobra! Hindi na lang sana ako nakipagchismisan sa 5th floor. Sana hindi na lang naiwan ni Emz iyong susi niya para wala kaming hinintay kanina at para di na rin kami nakapaglaro ng usual na laro.

Naaalala niyo ba iyong mamimili ka ng kulay tapos kung sino man ang unang bumaba mula sa hagdan siya na? Hindi destiny ngayon, bestman. Sabi ni Vangie, dark blue ang kanya, violet kay Karla, brown kay Nessa, red kay Mariel. I thought of saying green for it was my favorite color, or blue, dahil iyon ang suot ni Paul. Pero ang sinabi ko ay Gray.

May dalawang nagsabay na bumaba. Not counted kasi jacket iyong isa, tas may kasamang iba naman iyong isa. Naisipan kong magGM. Sabi ko. wrong choice of color, ang daming nakagray. kakasend ko pa lang, pagtingin ko sa hagdan, biglang...

Posang Gala! Bat siya nakagray?!! Gusto ko tuloy umiyak... pati ba naman trono ng bestman ko, siya pa rin ang nag occupy. Eh? Ayoko na. Ang malas malas ko talaga sa pagpili ng kulay kahit kelan. Hindi na ako makikipaglaro next time talaga. Sumasakto eh!

Nadepress ako doon. Buti na lang may nagpasaya ng araw ko. Ang substitute teacher namin sa Philo. Ang favorite teacher namin noong second sem, si Sir Dennis. Namiss ko siya ng sobra sobra. Gusto ko na ngang sumigaw sa tuwa noong nakita ko siya eh. Sweet face as ever. Cute ng boses, at may dimples! Nyahei...

Di pa nakakauwi si papa ko galing Bicol. Cancelled daw ang flight nila kaninang umaga dahil sa lakas ng ulan at hangin. Pag di nakauwi papa ko, isusumpa ko talaga ang langit.

august 25

tinopak ako at sumama sa debut ni Jirah. Napabili pa ako ng payong ng di oras, nakadalawang McBurger ako, isang regular na cokefloat, dalawang cinnamon roll at 3 tuna whatever... ganyan ako katakaw. At nagtataka pa rin ang marami kung bakit ganito ako kapayat. Well, mabilis ang metabolism ko, at sa case noong araw na iyon, gusto ko lang talagang gumastos at magpakassaya.

Wagas ang kasiyahan ko dahil kay Karla ano. Sobra! Kasi ganito iyan... sinamahan ko siya sa CR, nagkataon na may lalakeng naghihintay sa pinto. Braile ba? Pasensya sa spelling ha? Basta Braile ang alam kong pangalan niya. Well, ang gagi, pinilit buksan iyong pinto ng CR, but obviously it was locked.

"Sinong nandito?" tanong niya, as usual...

"Si Charleston."

"Ang tagal, parang babae!"

"Hoy! Charles dalian mo daw!"

kinatok ni Karla yung pinto, medyo napalakas kaya napatawa din ako. Tumalikod na lang ako nang bumukas ang pinto sabay iniluwa no'n ang isang lalake. "Shit! Ang bango niya!" sabi ng gaga. Ako talaga ang nahiya para sa aming dalawa. Ang lakas ng pagkakasabi niya non, di siguradong narinig!

Halfway through the celebration nagrun iyong stockings niya, ang inalala pa niya paano daw pag nakita ni Charleston? Over! Hindi ko siya kinakaya, tapos dineclare na niya na crush niya iyong lalake and all! But I have to admit, si Charleston ang unang crush ko ngayong college. Promise!

May exam pa dapat kami kinabukasan, Part 1. At grabeh, ang liwanag doon! Sumakit talaga mata ko. As in luluha na, ngayon ko lang talaga narealize ang kahalagahan ng eyeglasses sa buhay ko. Magpapagawa na nga ako uli. 120 na siguro grado nito. Kaso hindi ko bagay mag-eyeglasses. At isa pa, mapapraning lang ako kakasuot no'n kasi wala naman yung sasabitan eh. eh, basta! nag enjoy ako, yun na yun.

August Diary

from the first week of august to this day august 15

Remember Wijay? The guy whom I've been talking about in this blog for the last 2 months? We've been exchanging certain text messages that I can't possibly post since he said that he trusts me. Moreover, I've already deleted everything he shared. Why? Simple question, but I can't answer it right away. It's like asking you, how fast do you fall in love with a person or anyone?

I can't say that I know him well. I don't, and I admit that. Most of his words confuse me most of the time. I don't want to over analyze for I just might get the wrong impression. So, I remained silent and kept on waiting for an obvious sign.

August 6, a very memorable day... for it was my sister's birthday. And Mariel and I have played a game... We do this quite often especially when we're in front of the stairs...

"anong kulay tol?" tanong niya. I thought of saying green, for it was my favorite color, but it was already common... or perhaps yellow, but no. ORANGE ang sinabi ko. Dakilang Orange! "wala nang bawian ha? Kung sino mang lalake ang unang bumaba diyan na naka orange, siya na. Kunin mo na number, pangalan, address, resume!" natatawa ako, but I seriously waited for nothing. Yung kulay na iyon ang pinili ko dahil alam ko na walang matinong lalake ang magsusuot ng ganoong kulay ng damit.

Nagring ang bell, pumasok na kami for theo. Malapit nang matapos ang subject when I suddenly felt like I was loosing my air. I went out and tried to compose myself. Just then, I saw him descending the stairs... Guess what? He's wearing orange, with black. It would bring love. The curse had taken effect, and I seriously fell in love with him that day.

Later that night, we exchanged text messages. I tried to dig deeper within his bounds, his love life and everything but I got nothing. Except maybe for the message wherein he practically told me, Sino daw kayang lalake ang magkakagusto sa isang tulad ko? Aray. Masakit yun. Eto ang mas masakit... sino kayang lalake ang magtyatyaga sa ugaling meron ako? I grew up with guys that's why I'm like this. Pero never kong tinanong sa sarili ko kung paano nga kaya... Naku, kung mahal ka talaga ng lalake, kahit ano tatanggapin niya. Siguro? Pero nainis ako ng sobra sobra, kasi wala pa naman talagang nagmamahal sa akin kaya hindi ko alam yan. And that night, before I fell asleep, dinelete ko lahat ng nasa inbox ko pati na rin ang number niya.

The next day is a Sunday, galit ako sa kanya hanggang sa end ng araw na iyon, gabi na nang namiss ko siya. At hindi ko pa kayang matulog sa lagay na iyon, 11:00 pm. nirereplay ko pa lahat ng sinabi sa akin ni Mariel. "Are you unconsciously in love with him? i mean, hindi mo ba alam na inlove ka sa kanya?" He's talking about JC not Wijay. And in that moment, I convinced myself that I am in love with Jiann Carlo and not with the other guy. I played truth or dare, he was my accomplice. He started asking personal questions that I became suddenly afraid of replying. But I repeatedly asked myself... sino ba talaga? siya o siya? nasaktan ko sarili ko by asking that question. Ang sakit ng kamay ko kinaumagahan. But I got the answer anyway. Si Wijay yun.

8 yata nung nag-inuman sila ng barkada niya, and I don't know the reason why i got so depressed. Maybe because I want to go to sleep at sinabi niya na "WAG MUNA". At hindi naman daw ako natulog na pwedeng naging dahilan kung bakit kinaumagahan August 9, bago kami nanood ng sine nina Mariel at Nessa, nagpagupit ako... sobrang ikli. Pero dahil lang sa kanya kaya ko ginawa yun. Katangahan. Nasa loob kami ng sinehan, tumatawa, at katext ko siya... His personal questions bothered me again. Ano ba? Bakit ba kung anu ano na lang ang tinatanong niya? Hindi ako sanay, so in the middle of the exchanges I asked him to delete my number, and again I pressed Delete All.

Nasa jeep na kami ni Mariel when she suddenly came up with another dare. Pustahan daw kami, bago lumipas ang dalawang araw, itetext niya ako. Bakit naman niya gagawin yun when he already deleted my contact. Pero ipinilit pa rin nila na hindi daw niya dinelete. I agreed, also with the consequence na kapag natalo ako, magtatapat na ako sa kanya.

Thursday, August 11. My speech in English 4. I tried to be girlish enough but i just can't portray a girly look. Hay naku! Pake niyo ba kasi sa katawan ko e katawan ko nga ito. I won! nagrejoice pa ako... But he intruded the victory, pinanalo lang daw niya ako. Aray na naman! At totoo nga ang sinabi nila na hindi niya dinelete number ko. Tinamad daw. So, I acknowledged his presence in my life again.

But this Saturday August 13... I found out a detail in the picture that made my life crumble to the ground. ALAM daw niya LAHAT! Pahiya na naman ako ng sobra sobra.

Sunday... Yesterday... sige aminan na kung aminan...
Galit dapat ako sa kanya, at sinabi ko iyon. pero ang sabi niya, wag daw. at wag din daw akong magalit sa mga kaibigan ko kasi hindi naman daw nila alam na alam niya lahat. And then he asked kung siya nga ba talaga si Wijay... Siya naman talaga, hindi na pwedeng ideny. sa end ng conversation ko sinabi na siya nga yun... Kasi naman, pinadelete ko na number ko sa kanya dati para sana di na ako mapalapit pa, pero hindi niya ginawa. And his reply was a stupid "cge. Simula bukas d nako mgpaparamdam." I don't know why I cried. I just did. but the thought that he would be gone for the rest of my life had hurt me.

I wanted to say "be safe." but I took the simple "ge,nyt.2log na ako" as something like, he doesn't want me in his life. And I respected that. But I cried still... Ala una na yata nang tumigil ako sa pag-iyak. He had a girlfriend, I kept on repeating that phrase in my head. May girlfriend siya kaya tama na.

The "BE SAFE" quote was still on my phone. Sabi kasi doon:

'your safety is equivalent to someone's peace of mind...

so take care of yourself always...

maawa ka kay...

SOMEONE ELSE.'

I told my mother everything so as to ease the pain. And she told me...

"JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE STOPPED TALKING TO EACH OTHER DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE NOT ON HIS MIND"

joke ba ito? SANA.
But I was secretly hoping that this is true.
That somehow he's thinking of the reasons why...
And I will always hold onto this...

Until someone new, comes my way...

ever after

A typical love story normally starts with ‘once upon a time’, but mine started with ‘and they live happily ever after’. I have my parents’ love story to consider. My father and mother had been inseparable for 21 years since they met and recognized what they felt for each other. ‘They must have loved each other to last that long.’ Those were the thoughts that we frequently hear among the people who could see the sweetness of the two. But beyond my father’s smiling face and my mother’s serene expressions is a secret that only their children know.

I can still remember the intensity of that night. While my sisters and I were happily comforted in our newly built home in the center of the fields, my father came storming inside the house and commanded us three to head towards our ancestral house just in front of the present residence. We noted the authority in his voice that we did not dare disobey him. My two sisters Apple and Ash sought the comfort of my hands. And I held unto them just the same. Amidst the commotion, I heard my mother crying inside her room. We desperately waited for her to come out and save us from the terror of our father’s belt, that is impatiently waiting to hit someone, but she never did. My youngest sister started crying and asking for her mama. I can understand the situation for she was only 5 at that time. At the old creepy house, the strong slamming of the door made my blood curdle. He locked us up in our old room and left us there trembling in both anger and fear. The middle child, Apple, tried to restrain herself by beating the wall. She literally cursed our father to death saying di ka pay la maungkel. I on the other hand remained silent and just tried to compose my insides though I really wanted to cry that instant. But I have to show strength otherwise we would all suffer. Memories of my happy childhood came back instantly while surveying the dark spacious room. Stacks of old books were neatly placed in the shelves. Photo albums piled on top of it, forgotten. I remembered my mother’s simple request to have a family picture that we could possibly hang in the wall. But we never had a minute to do it. Our wall was particularly dull. The only marks were the lines that my father used to draw to measure our heights. It would never matter now, for we had stopped growing, and we have a new house to care about.

Fear came swaying again when we heard the door open and close. Apple shut her mouth instantly and Ash tried to suppress her cries. My father opened our door and gave us a candle for the night. He commanded us to go to sleep, forget our mom and never see her again. He told us that he would be sending our mom in her hometown at Alicia, Isabela. And he locked the door once more. I comforted my youngest sister when she wailed in disagreement. I became worried, not for the three of us but for our dearest mother. My mom had never been strong with regards to her emotions. She cries easily. Her children are her prized possessions, whom she treats like fragile figurines that should always be handled with care. I knew she’s devastated. My father’s anger maybe be put out after a short time, but the pain will linger in our hearts and the memory of the night would haunt us all throughout.

There was only one serious question in this situation, what kind of hell had fallen unto this happy family that we have to suffer and hurt as much as this? I don’t want to blame anyone. It’s actually easier to put the blame on yourself, coz you can just shrug it off since there’s nothing you can do about it, and you won’t get angry that way either. If you blame someone, you’ll just get stubborn and say you’ll never forgive them, but I know that she was the sole reason for this commotion. I’m talking about ate Ace, a friend of my cousin’s. My mother had confided to me before of her suspicions that she was probably my father’s mistress. I never believed her. Why would I? For what reason should I suspect her? She had been nothing but nice to us. Moreover she was practically just a kid too! In fact she’s only 4 years older than me! But as I have observed, my father couldn’t look at my mother’s eyes anymore. It’s probably true then. I had been oblivious to the fact that there really is a possibility especially when age doesn’t matter and the guy is a charming one. We might just lose a father or a mother. The emotions welled up in my heart; I don’t want my parents to separate just because of a woman who would never love my father like the way my mother did.

At dawn, I awoke as the roosters started singing their waking song. The candle had stopped crying and its flame had already died out. I heard hushed voices at the living room so I stepped out of the bedroom to listen to it. It was my mother and father. I was so proud of mama. She had mastered the courage to face the wrath of my father for us. This is the side that touched me most. Mama was already crying and kept on repeating the words para sa mga bata whenever she gave a proposition that they should stay together. My father had maintained the stern look in his face though, and it seems that he had never listened to any of my mother’s words. My heart sank as I heard my father’s disagreement. He wanted to unbind himself from my mother, dishonor their vows and leave my mother to suffer alone. Mama refused to abide. She held on to him, like the way he did when their relationship was still young. He might still change his mind and see some sense. Then he saw me, and motioned for me to come over. He asked the question that I have dreaded to hear. He’s making me choose between him and my mother. All the emotions that I was keeping inside went out on the spot. I started crying. It was a stupid thing to do, but I just can’t hold back the tears that welled up. It was my only way of saying that I will never chose, that I wanted them both. For the first time, I’ve been out of words. All I did was shake my head in disagreement. My father had shouted and his voice rang out inside the house. It was really dreadful. My mother embraced me and pleaded for my father to stop and told him a lot of words that touched his conscience and made him surrender. He calmed down, went to the kitchen and boiled water for our coffee.

Months passed and everything seemed normal again. My two sisters hadn’t suspected a thing. For them, it’s all over, our parents are back together. Apple even joked around saying ‘I can’t wait to fall in love’. And there were always those comments that I had such a wonderful family. We have parents which seem to be so in love with each other. Those were plain opinions; they don’t know the real deal. In reality, my parents decided that they will only stay together for the sake of their children. They kept their own money and no longer care about what the other does. They seem so natural because of the fact that they are only friends now. No other emotions attached. They joke around and would be as sweet as they could get but they would never be romantic with each other. My father had retained his usual bubbly personality and kept the usual tradition of playing pranks or telling stories on a Friday night. But never did he boast again of his hardships in courting my mom. And I knew that we will never have a good family portrait. My mom is still requesting for it though. But we just can’t, and that’s a real sad thought.

The events had greatly affected my perceptions with regards to men. Basically, my father was the cause of trauma. Before, I still have that notion that I should marry a man who is much like my father or perhaps any man would do as long as he loves me. But that just won’t do now. I am definitely happy with what I have, but when I heard someone say that my mother is worried that I am always happy, I started to doubt if I could really be. I had a talk with her, and in that moment, she cried just when I thought that she will never cry again. I thought that she was ok with the agreement, but she wasn’t. I was wrong. I cried too when she told me; ang dasal ko lang ay makahanap ka ng lalakeng magmamahal sa’yo, na hindi ka iiwan at paiiyakin kahit kailan. Ayokong maranasan ninyo iyong naranasan ko. She even admitted that she would have left my father long before if not for her children. She never wanted to leave us. She told me that my happiness is hers too. If I cry, she would cry for me too. And I don’t want to see my mother cry again because of such stupid guys.

Then, I started to over analyze the simplest things that are in front of me. Thus making everything so complicated not only for me, but also for the people around me. They say that doing these things will probably be the reason for me to hurt myself in the future. They even suggested that I should let myself experience love first before judging anything. Since then, I’ve been drawn towards family oriented guys who were Roman Catholics in nature, and were pure blooded Filipinos. Who is about my age, has a good humor, and is superior himself. If such guy exists, I hope he’s meant for me. I’m afraid of commitment but I surely don’t want to be a spinster for the rest of my life! That would be a lot harder. If I’m really not lucky, I’d just be contented with someone who is willing to spend the rest of his life with me. I won’t even care if he would sleep with another girl, so long as he would protect and take good care of the family. Coz I know that nothing lasts forever. Forever is just a myth! And it would really hurt me to say the single ending catch line… and they live happily ever after.

the diary

July 12, 2011

Kagagaling ko lang sa sakit. Mild flu, though you would think, mild pa bang matatawag iyon samantalang hindi ako nakadalo sa isang subject ko? I have to stay home and rest. My head hurts so bad, my world is spinning, I have a terrible cough and I have no one beside me to attend to my needs. My roommate doesn’t seem to care. Para siyang gaga, I can imagine her saying,“hindi ko responsibility ang alagaan ka, nandito ako para mag-aral, bahala ka sa buhay mo”. At dahil doon, mas lalong sumama ang loob ko.

Nagulat na lang ako ngayong gabi, may nagmessage sa akin sa FB.

Hinayupak! Isang buong taon kong di nakita ang boypren niyang yun. Wala ding nangyari noong high school days namin, kasi isang buong taon ko siyang di pinansin noong 4^th year, galit galitan ba? Tapos noong huli kaming nag-usap, sabi niya: “wala ka na bang ibang mapeste?” nangungumusta lang naman ako, because that was during the time that I’m all alone in Baguio with no other available friends and I was looking through the past… namimiss ko lahat ng kaklase ko, tapos ganoon ang makukuha ko. Dahil sa kanya nagkaroon ako ng isang malalang judgement tungkol sa mga kaibigan ko noon. Na hindi na nila kayang balikan pa ang mga nangyari dati dahil nakafocus na sila sa hinaharap. Oo nga naman kasi, nasa present ka na, bakit ka pa babalik sa nagdaan diba? Pero nasaktan talaga ako sa sinabi niyang iyon, kaya inerase ko na siya ng tuluyan sa memorya ko. Hindi ako iyong tipo ng taong nagkikimkim ng galit sa iba. Pero kapag ako naman ang nasaktan, grabe talaga.

Imagine my surprise when I read this message of the girlfriend, ang sakit talaga. Wala akong ibang masabi sa sarili noong unang kundi aray… gusto ko na ngang sumigaw kaso gabi na noon. Wala akong ibang nagawa kundi replyan siya, at magsumbong sa mga kaibigan ko. Ang sabi ng friend kong si Diana, sabihin mo tol: “bagim lang ah, desperada, nakakinis yang mga ganyang babae akala mo mawawalan ng lalake”. Natawa tuloy ako at nawala na lahat ng insecurities ko.

But my questions are still there, ano ang ginawa ng simpleng pix na iyon para maoffend siya? Pinapalabas pa niyang mang-aagaw ako. Paano ko nasira ang relationship nila ng boyfriend niya kung nandito ako sa Baguio at nananahimik kasama ng mga pine tree? Unless, sa akin in love iyong boyfriend niya, diba?

July 14, 2011

Tinandaan ko ang petsang July 13, 2011, Wednesday. Magang maga ang mga mata dahil sa kakaiyak kagabi.

Bwisit na smiley… hindi ko nagawang mag-isip for a minute, basta nakatingin lang ako sa message na ito. And then I felt my heart beating fast and strongly inside my chest. I went out to breath in some air, and when I came back I can no longer contain all the emotion that had build up inside me. I can’t breathe… its like life is leaving me. I started to call a friend (for my roommate doesn’t care for me at all. She didn’t even give a glance when I started crying). Mariel answered the phone. And I just can’t stop crying, I can’t get my words straight. Guilty?!  First time kong masabihan ng mga ganitong salita. Wala akong kaalam alam sa mga nangyayari, pero ginaganito niya ako. I feel so helpless lalo pa at wala akong kakampi. Wala akong mahingan ng tulong na nakakaalam kung anong sinasabi ng babaeng ito. Hindi ko kaya lahat ng pressure na ipinupunta niya sa sitwasyon ko. And the revenge of my friends begun.

the diary

July 3, 2011

I went on a date with my father today. It had been so fun having to scandalize in a part of Chow King. My father and I joke about some of the simplest things in life. I remember one time, we we’re solemnly eating our meals when I told him: “Papa may girlfriend ngay ako... tatanggapin mo ba kami?”

          He looked at me with a very serious expression, smiled then said: “Hindi, itatakwil pa kita!” Aray! Buti na lang joke lang iyon, kundi patay na naman ako! Ako pa man din iyong tipo ng tao na talagang ipinaglalaban ang pagmamahal lalo na kung mas mahal ako ng mahal ko. Nabuo ako dahil hinabol ng tatay ko ang nanay ko mula Ilocos Sur  hanggang Isabela. Ipinaglaban niya ang pagmamahal niya rito. Anti ako sa divorce bill, anong konek? Classified iyan sa personal issues ng buhay ko. Kasi ganito iyan, hindi na fruitful ang relationship ng parents ko. The marriage is on the rocks, they are just staying together as friends and also for the benefit of their children. But I know that my mother is secretly hoping for a change, sabihin na lang natin na sinusuklian niya ang pagiging matiyaga ng tatay ko sa panliligaw sa kanya dati. Pwede ba iyon?

          Anyway, I cracked another joke. “Papa, may nanliligaw ngay sa akin.”

          Ang dakilang reply na nakaka-aray: “Sige nga, iharap mo sa akin! Pag meron  nga iyiincrease ko allowance mo!”

“Challenge accepted!’ at saan naman daw ako kukuha ng lalake ngayon? Dexter?! Nakakaray din ang kabadingan nong taong iyon e! ano ba itong napasok ko. Sige na nga, I’m always responsible naman with regards to my actions. Kung masama man ang idudulot no’n, ok lang. We learn from everything. But Doug said “the problem with learning from our experiences is you never graduate.” So right.

July 5, 2011

Naalala ko ang kauna unahang lalakeng aking inibig. Naalala ko din na nagawa kong kalimutan siya, dahil sa isang bagay... it was because of the words that thoroughly radiated in my whole being. Ang sabi niya: “Don’t give meaning to a little act of sweetness, for it might give you the wrong impression as well as expectation.” Ganyan na ganyan talaga ang pagkakasabi niya no’n. Ang sakit di ba? Hindi naman kasi ako umaasa na magustuhan din niya ako. Ang masama lang doon, sinira niya iyong pagmamahal na mayroon ako para sa kanya. Iyon bang tinatawag nilang first love. It never dies daw, pero mali sila... oo kinokontra ko iyon, may umaangal?! Sige lang, magpakalunod kayo sa first love never dies na iyan, tingnan lang natin... basta ako sawa na. Hindi sa pag-ibig kundi sa kanya.

Ito ngayon ang problema ko, umiral ang aking ka-hyper-an. Naka-puti kasi si P.S. ko. Lagi siyang nakaitim, kaya nakakapanibago. Hindi iyong pagiging hyper ko ang problema o iyong pagpuputi niya, pero ang pagiging obsessed ko sa kanya. Sino ba namang tao ang maiinlove sa taong nakikita mo lang na padaan daan sa harap mo? Wala! Ako lang, pero baliw nga kasi ako... pati solusyon, kabaliwan din. Nagrecruit pa ako ng mapgtitripan ko. Si Carlo, sakto kasi, matangkad, maputi, oo na sige, gwapo. Wen lattan ah, uray haan. Ito ang dialogue: “ayoko nga sa’yo! Hindi kita gusto! Maghanap ka na lang ng iba! Lubayan mo na ako!” hindi naman niya kayang sabihin, para iyon lang... nagpapraktis din akong manampal actually. Pero di, violation iyon, baka sampahan pa niya ako ng serious physical injuries. Alam kong di lang din iyon magwowork pero there’s no harm in trying di ba? Kung gusto mo siyang makalimutan, hayaan mong sarili mo’y masaktan at muling  maghilom, saka ka magmahal uli. Huwag niyo na akong gayahin, kung sino sino na lang basta gwapo.

July 6, 2011

There is something I realized, pag wala si P.S. masaya ako. Bakit? Kasi hindi ko siya iniisip. Magkakasama kami ng ilan sa mga high school friends ko ngayong araw. I’m wrong after all, tingin mo nga siguro nakalimutan ka na nila, pero pag nagsama uli kayo, mapapansin mo na lang na wala pa ring ipinagbago ang samahang nabuo ninyo dati. Ganoon pa rin sa hapag, nandoon pa rin ang biruan, asaran, kulitan, at tawanan na walang hanggan. Magakakaiba man kayo ng kinahinatnan at kinahihiligan, ano ngayon? Our differences make us truly unique. We fit in the puzzle of life. Ang sarap tingnan ng itinuring kong baby brother. Hindi man siya nakapagpagupit ng ilang taon, na kahit pwede nang ituck ang buhok niya sa likod ng kanyang tenga, gano’n pa rin ang lapad ng noo niya.

“kung makakaasar naman tong mga to!” si Pharancis.

“hindi iyon ganoon! Pero hindi ka na talaga tumangkad ano? Ang liit mo talaga.”

“wala sa liit iyan, nasa laki.” Si Phrancis.

“tama!” si Keipi.

“cute naman si Keipi e” sabi ko. Keipi is baby bro by the way.

“maliit din naman iyong lalake ni ezel ah”

“maputi naman” si ezel

“may lalake ka na pala tapos nagpapahanap ka pa!”

“oy! Itake out mo na iyang tira tol, pangdinner pa iyan” sabi ni Keipi. “isang daan na iyan sa Mcdo ano. May styro naman yata.”

“doggie bag” napatawa ako. Alam niyo ba kung ano iyon? Supot lang iyon, pero sa kaartehan nila, iyon ang itinawag.

“pagkain ng tao para na ring pagkain ng aso” dugtong ni Keipi. Ang baliw nila, swear! May pinagmanahan ako... o sige na, balik na kayo sa ginagawa niyo, ipagpapatuloy ko pa iyong korning script para sa role play namin bukas.

the diary

July 1, 2011

Ngayong araw na ito ipinangako ko na hinding hindi na ako maaasar kay PS. Kawawa naman kasi siya, naiinis na lang ako, hindi naman niya ako kilala. Isa pa, ano ba kasi ang dahilan ko para maasar sa kanya, insecured lang naman ako na ang dami dami niyang nilalapitan. SELOS?! Hindi ah... sinong may sabi...

Pero alam niyo, mula noong panindigan ko iyon kaninang umaga, nanghina ako... ewan ko, i feel lifeless. Wala akong ganang magsulat ng kwento, nag-imbento pa ako ng dahilan kung bakit hindi ko iyon natatapos. E kasi nga, on and off ang inspirasyon. Mamaya nandiyan lang, pag wala na siya, ok wala ka na namang gana. Love ba iyon? Parang adik lang ah... pag wala, parang wala ka ring gana.

Kailangan ko ng bagong inspiration! Nandiyan si Manuel, pero hindi naman iyon nakakasabay sa mga katripan ko. Siya na yata ang pinakaboring na taong nakilala ko ngayong college. Sus maryosep! Binatukan ko na nga, hindi pa rin nagalit. Maganda sana pag naasar siya sa akin para makagawa naman kami ng sarili naming eksena. Isinalba ni Wijay ang bored na bored kong diwa.

“Hello.” Nakareceive ako ng text mula sa kanya.

“o, nkaalala ka?” i replied. Panahon ka na ito para gumanti!

“hello lang met.” Nagulat ako, nag iilokano siya.

“kasjay? Di Hi met!”

“Ok”

“bahala ka dta biag mon wen?”

“K.”

“naintindihan mo?”

“wen ah!’

“hindi yata kita kilala.” Kasi ang wijay na kilala ko, hindi talaga marunogn mag ilokano.

“ha?”

“kasi ang alam ko hindi ka marunong mag ilokano, o baka naman may translator ka diyan?”
            “Nsa bhay na ko.” Akala ko namn pra sa girlfriend nya iyon, na nawrong sent lang siya sa akin, kaya nagtaray ako.

“Ano ngaun kung nsa bhay k n? care q ba?”

“Wla ko kxma, o translator.duh” BAKLAIN!

“sige nga, kng marunong ka tlaga itranslate mo nga ito sa ilokano: “nag effort pa man din akong pagtaguan siya, hindi lang din namn pla niya aq kilala”.”

“Kathleen Ordinario?” awts. Alam niya talaga.

“hnd.” I tried denying.

“Ok.my mstake.wew”

“cno k b tlga 2L?”

“C pogi.”

“cge, pg cnabi mo kng anong pngalan mo, sasabihin ko ang akn.”

“Ssbhn mu uto2 ako.” Ahahahaa... nakakatuwa talaga siya naks!

“Wi Jay Diwa!”

“Oh,klala mu naman pla q”

“kinonfrim k lng namn. Kng cnnabi mo n sna kng anong name mo knina, di sna alm mo na rin pngalan ko.”

“K.”

“Kathleen may ordinario aq, hindi kathleen ordinario lang. nyt nyt.”

“Taksyapo na.yamurin.haha”

“loko ka ano un?”

“awan met.hehe”

“seryoso? Wla lng un?”

“D naman.haha...bkt q ssbhn.haha”

“ang srap mo tlgang cpain khit kelan.”

“ok.”

“bhala k s buhay mo.”

“k.”

I am so depressed right now. Akala ko mananalo na ako. Basag na basag na naman ako sa kanya. Sus! Kelan ko kaya matatalo ang taong ito? Asar! But maybe, life isn’t all about competition... siguro kwan lang... pagmamahal at pang unawa.

Gutom ako actually. Gusto ko tuloy kumain ng dila ng baboy, kare kare at atay ng manok. Pilipina ako day! Part na ng kultura ko ang kumain. Kapag ipinanganak, kain, pag birthday, kain, ikakasal ka, kain na naman! Pag depressed, natural kain, pag masaya kain  pa rin. Hanggang sa pagkamatay, kain! Sige lang, kain lang ng kain.

Pero ito lang ha... eat healthy, live well. Shocks... huwag niyo akong gayahin na puro noodles ang alam kainin. OK na? geh, magpaplano pa ako para sa gagawin kong paghihiganti.

the diary

June 29, 2011

I accompanied Karl to the Student’s affairs office during our 15 minute break in accounting. Sa 6^th floor ang classroom namin at umakyat pa kami papuntang 8^th floor. At dahil gutom ako, nagdesisyon kaming pumunta sa canteen sa 3^rd floor habang may oras pa. rumarampa kami sa hallways ng 8^th floor at nagdrop by pa sa cr ng girls sa 6^th floor bago tuluyang dumeretso sa canteen. We were talking about my charade with Wijay along the way. Potek Lord, ayaw ko siyang makita, huwag muna, hindi pa ako handa. Kilala pala niya ako e.

Just then, sa may bungad pa lang ng canteen likod pa alng alam ko nng siya na iyon, napakapit ako kay Karl sa sobrang kaba. “Si Wijay!” sabi ko saka napaatras, ang gaga naman, tiningnan pa ng mabuti bago kami sinundan nina Ayel at Ivee pataas sa hagdan. We raced through the corrigdors para lang iwasan sila.

 Shocks, nanlamig ang mga kamay ko doon ah! Bakit naman kasi out of all the places in the campus, doon pa sa pupuntahan ko siya pumunta. Hindi tuloy ako nakakain! Gutom na gutom na ako!

tapos naman sa CR, kailangan ko pang paunahin si Karl para lang maicheck kung nasa vicinity si Wijay! pero unexpectedly noong pngalawang beses na akong pumunta nang CR nandoon siya na para bang naghihintay talaga sa pagdaan ko. buti na lang may back up ako, kumwari hindi ko siya kilala na walang nangyari talaga.

"...mamamatay talaga ako," i was saying habang padaan kami sa harap niya.

"ang galing mo nga e!" sabi ni Ivy.

"bunganga mo, marinig pa niya tayo."

pagdating namin sa safe zone saka ako nagtawa... sus! kinabahan naman daw ako. at pagdating ng gabi, narealize ko lang... nag effort pa man din akong pagtaguan siya, parang di lang din naman yata niya ako kilala.

the diary

June 28, 2011.
It is my birthday. I’m celebrating it with my 9 friends. We stopped at a point in the center of the hallways though, to greet Xave, another soul who is celebrating his birthday too. We we’re chatting when something came up.

“Key... gusto mong masira ang araw mo?” that was my dearest friend Karlinn. “tingin ka doon oh,” I looked over my right side and saw a guy running towards our direction. It was a split second until his face registered in my mind.

It was PS. The guy I was crushing over for several months now. I secretly call him playboy, which has served as a code name for several occasions. But he’s actually a very decent guy, with two ex girlfriends and a lot of acquaintances. He’s the guy in the black jacket. Single, mind you.

“Aw shicks! Nasira araw ko!” naisigaw ko. Sumakto pa ang pagdaan niya sa harap ko. And worse, nagkatinginan kami! I felt so stupid! Buti na lang hindi niya ako kilala.

We journeyed over the campus unto our so called secret garden to eat lunch. It was just pizza, a roll of cake and soda. Celebrating with my college friends is way cooler than anything else. I only invited one among my high school friends, but sadly she couldn’t make it because of the conflict in our schedules. I don’t want celebrating my birthday with complete strangers, not that I consider my high school friends strangers, but they had been so far off from me. I know they don’t even know that June 28 is a very special day. And I was right. Only three among my high school friends remembered that this is my day. It seems that they have forgotten everything from high school. And I guess holding on to such past is not good for my psychological health. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be better off without them. Forgive and forget. Not about the faults, but about them and the moments we’ve shared. Pause, delete. Wala na akong kilalang tao mula sa past ko bukod sa mga taong di pa rin ako nakakalimutan. It is the present that really matters most. Nandito na nga ako malapit sa future, babalik pa ako sa past? Sus! Wag na lang ano! Sabi ko nga, ‘you wouldn’t be where you are today if you didn’t let go of such yesterday’.

Tinext ko na naman iyong lalakeng pinagtitripan ko noong nakaraang gabi. I know him from one of my classes last summer. And I was tempted, wala akong mapgtripan e. pagbigyan niyo ako, birthday ko naman di ba?

“cnu ka” was his reply to my first message.

“ako nga iyong paparazzi kagabi, remember?”

“ah.k” pagpasensyahan niyo na... he could really be annoying at times.

‘ikaw, cnu ka?” i tried testing him too. Hindi naman niya ako kilala talaga e.

“ako c pogi” ang kapal niya!

“langya ka! Ikw, anong hula mo? Bbae b aq o l2ke?”

“bakla.”

“bakla ka rin!”

“K.”

“hulaan na lng kta.”

“Alm ko n fture ko. No need para hulaan m”

“we nvr know ryt? The thing you expect your life to be might not exactly be the one w/c will happen in your future”

“ i know. Im not expcting to have my future. Kung ikaw may bday ngaun, hapi bday.kng hnd,nvm.” Antipatiko ang walang hiya, nakakabanas! Pero teka...

“kilala mo na ako?”

“ung nanabunot skn?

“cnsbunutn ba kc kta?”

“Nvm.” Doon ko lang din sa point na iyon narealize na never mind pala ang ibig sabihin ng sinasabi niyang NVM! Por Dios! Nakakaasar din talaga ito. Ako na ang pinagtripan niya, hindi ako papayag!

“pwede ba? Kung sincere ka talaga, batiin mo ako ng maayos wag yung ganyan!”

“Happy Birthday. ^^” Napangiti naman ako doon na hindi ko alam kung anong susunod na sasabihin ko. Pero inunahan na niya ako. 1 text message from Wijay, masaya pa man din ako tapos ang sasalubong sa aking text... “Ok na?” ano kaya iyon? Panira talaga sa kaligayahan ito!

“ok na!”

“Bka kc umyak k dyan ea.mag emo kpa.”

“hoy! Para sbhin q sau, kht wla aqng luvlyf e msya aq ano!”

“Tntanong?”

Basag!

“ang sama mo, mabangungot k sna.”

“Tnx. =)”

“ grabe ka.”

“ ea d naman kc kta kilala n0h?malay q b kng cnung kathleen ka”

“kulamin kita jan e.”

“Try nga.”

“mghintay hintay k lng pwde?”

“K. Nyt. =/”

I never dared to text him after that. Nagulantang naman daw ako. Natakot ako na kilala pala niya ako tapos kung ano ano lang ang pinagsasabi ko sa kanya, sus! Magalit pa sa akin girlfriend niya. Wijay, one hell of a crazy guy. Ang lalakeng laging gumagamit ng pang-asar na smiley. That was just the start of my crazy adventures... madalas kaya akong napapahamak sa mga ginagawa ko sa mundong ito. abangan na lang ninyo.