August Diary

from the first week of august to this day august 15

Remember Wijay? The guy whom I've been talking about in this blog for the last 2 months? We've been exchanging certain text messages that I can't possibly post since he said that he trusts me. Moreover, I've already deleted everything he shared. Why? Simple question, but I can't answer it right away. It's like asking you, how fast do you fall in love with a person or anyone?

I can't say that I know him well. I don't, and I admit that. Most of his words confuse me most of the time. I don't want to over analyze for I just might get the wrong impression. So, I remained silent and kept on waiting for an obvious sign.

August 6, a very memorable day... for it was my sister's birthday. And Mariel and I have played a game... We do this quite often especially when we're in front of the stairs...

"anong kulay tol?" tanong niya. I thought of saying green, for it was my favorite color, but it was already common... or perhaps yellow, but no. ORANGE ang sinabi ko. Dakilang Orange! "wala nang bawian ha? Kung sino mang lalake ang unang bumaba diyan na naka orange, siya na. Kunin mo na number, pangalan, address, resume!" natatawa ako, but I seriously waited for nothing. Yung kulay na iyon ang pinili ko dahil alam ko na walang matinong lalake ang magsusuot ng ganoong kulay ng damit.

Nagring ang bell, pumasok na kami for theo. Malapit nang matapos ang subject when I suddenly felt like I was loosing my air. I went out and tried to compose myself. Just then, I saw him descending the stairs... Guess what? He's wearing orange, with black. It would bring love. The curse had taken effect, and I seriously fell in love with him that day.

Later that night, we exchanged text messages. I tried to dig deeper within his bounds, his love life and everything but I got nothing. Except maybe for the message wherein he practically told me, Sino daw kayang lalake ang magkakagusto sa isang tulad ko? Aray. Masakit yun. Eto ang mas masakit... sino kayang lalake ang magtyatyaga sa ugaling meron ako? I grew up with guys that's why I'm like this. Pero never kong tinanong sa sarili ko kung paano nga kaya... Naku, kung mahal ka talaga ng lalake, kahit ano tatanggapin niya. Siguro? Pero nainis ako ng sobra sobra, kasi wala pa naman talagang nagmamahal sa akin kaya hindi ko alam yan. And that night, before I fell asleep, dinelete ko lahat ng nasa inbox ko pati na rin ang number niya.

The next day is a Sunday, galit ako sa kanya hanggang sa end ng araw na iyon, gabi na nang namiss ko siya. At hindi ko pa kayang matulog sa lagay na iyon, 11:00 pm. nirereplay ko pa lahat ng sinabi sa akin ni Mariel. "Are you unconsciously in love with him? i mean, hindi mo ba alam na inlove ka sa kanya?" He's talking about JC not Wijay. And in that moment, I convinced myself that I am in love with Jiann Carlo and not with the other guy. I played truth or dare, he was my accomplice. He started asking personal questions that I became suddenly afraid of replying. But I repeatedly asked myself... sino ba talaga? siya o siya? nasaktan ko sarili ko by asking that question. Ang sakit ng kamay ko kinaumagahan. But I got the answer anyway. Si Wijay yun.

8 yata nung nag-inuman sila ng barkada niya, and I don't know the reason why i got so depressed. Maybe because I want to go to sleep at sinabi niya na "WAG MUNA". At hindi naman daw ako natulog na pwedeng naging dahilan kung bakit kinaumagahan August 9, bago kami nanood ng sine nina Mariel at Nessa, nagpagupit ako... sobrang ikli. Pero dahil lang sa kanya kaya ko ginawa yun. Katangahan. Nasa loob kami ng sinehan, tumatawa, at katext ko siya... His personal questions bothered me again. Ano ba? Bakit ba kung anu ano na lang ang tinatanong niya? Hindi ako sanay, so in the middle of the exchanges I asked him to delete my number, and again I pressed Delete All.

Nasa jeep na kami ni Mariel when she suddenly came up with another dare. Pustahan daw kami, bago lumipas ang dalawang araw, itetext niya ako. Bakit naman niya gagawin yun when he already deleted my contact. Pero ipinilit pa rin nila na hindi daw niya dinelete. I agreed, also with the consequence na kapag natalo ako, magtatapat na ako sa kanya.

Thursday, August 11. My speech in English 4. I tried to be girlish enough but i just can't portray a girly look. Hay naku! Pake niyo ba kasi sa katawan ko e katawan ko nga ito. I won! nagrejoice pa ako... But he intruded the victory, pinanalo lang daw niya ako. Aray na naman! At totoo nga ang sinabi nila na hindi niya dinelete number ko. Tinamad daw. So, I acknowledged his presence in my life again.

But this Saturday August 13... I found out a detail in the picture that made my life crumble to the ground. ALAM daw niya LAHAT! Pahiya na naman ako ng sobra sobra.

Sunday... Yesterday... sige aminan na kung aminan...
Galit dapat ako sa kanya, at sinabi ko iyon. pero ang sabi niya, wag daw. at wag din daw akong magalit sa mga kaibigan ko kasi hindi naman daw nila alam na alam niya lahat. And then he asked kung siya nga ba talaga si Wijay... Siya naman talaga, hindi na pwedeng ideny. sa end ng conversation ko sinabi na siya nga yun... Kasi naman, pinadelete ko na number ko sa kanya dati para sana di na ako mapalapit pa, pero hindi niya ginawa. And his reply was a stupid "cge. Simula bukas d nako mgpaparamdam." I don't know why I cried. I just did. but the thought that he would be gone for the rest of my life had hurt me.

I wanted to say "be safe." but I took the simple "ge,nyt.2log na ako" as something like, he doesn't want me in his life. And I respected that. But I cried still... Ala una na yata nang tumigil ako sa pag-iyak. He had a girlfriend, I kept on repeating that phrase in my head. May girlfriend siya kaya tama na.

The "BE SAFE" quote was still on my phone. Sabi kasi doon:

'your safety is equivalent to someone's peace of mind...

so take care of yourself always...

maawa ka kay...

SOMEONE ELSE.'

I told my mother everything so as to ease the pain. And she told me...

"JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE STOPPED TALKING TO EACH OTHER DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE NOT ON HIS MIND"

joke ba ito? SANA.
But I was secretly hoping that this is true.
That somehow he's thinking of the reasons why...
And I will always hold onto this...

Until someone new, comes my way...